This was an actual letter sent out by the St. Mary's Church.

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord! Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord.

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
OK, that one wasn't too bad.

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
I'm not too sure about that.

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
Or they're just a teenage girl.

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
Or a motorcyclist.

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
Like this guy

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
Yea, cause there's nothing modern day kids love more than reading the bible.

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
Or maybe they just like world of warcraft.

-Takes drugs.
I think you have a bigger problem than them being gothic at this point.

-Drinks alcohol.
Agian, the fact they might be gothic is pretty minor in comparison to this.

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
Jesus christ. Who cares if they're gothic. If they're about to kill themselves, I think you might want to focus on that.

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
So that they take seriously.

-Complains of boredom.
..... Is this actully a symptom. I can't find the words to describe how achingly stupid this is. Who the hell are these bible beaters.

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
That's about every kid out there.

-Is excessively awake during the night.
Dave Attell must be a huge one then. If you're reading this , you probably fit this too.

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
Or maybe they're just a geek.

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
We know what they're really doing there. (FAP FAP FAP)

-Spends large amounts of time alone.
Masterbating is for goths.

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
Yea, or maybe they're touching thereself.

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
OH. OMMFG!!! Lord forbid if a teenager spent time alone with his freinds. We need a colar for these kids. I hate bible beaters.

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
Or maybe that's just being a teenager.

-Misbehaves at school.
See my response above.

-Misbehaves at home.
See my response above.

-Eats excessively or too little.
Micheal moor fits this perfectly.

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
Count chocula is satonic. This is getting silly now.

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
Thank you captin obveous.

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
God forbid teens watch TV other than the news and the simpsons.

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
Grand theft auto is for goths?

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
I think it's called being a head banger.

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
Yea, they should be doing the polka.

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
That includes all of San Fransisco.

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
Buda was so goth

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
That might be a joke. I guess that elludes you.

-Claims to be a goth.
You might think that would be a give away!!!

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church
~The RedCow